One more rant

There are certain types of people who set you offf... And I have also had to work with such people.Such people being the ones whose intentions are good and parade around with that on their arm! But beyond that smile there is that thoughtless interference which is throws a spanner into the work. It's frustrating to say the least. I try to keep my cool, maintain an arms distance and swear under my breath. One day I will be able to put a funny spin on things but today I am just pissed off.

random blabber

i turn 27 today ....
Has there been any difference in the last year ...well yes it has.... i have got more tolerant of BS.... now i just roll eyes ...shrug my shoulders... some times i wonder if i have become a fatalist....me ...the person who believed that i can change anything in my life by just focusing and working hard....now that ambition had gone...i get more and more restless.....and this inherent guilt and self loathing which comes with the territory.....

i was this stupid .... silly girl who used to celebrate everything in life .... yeaa....my new project...the first time i made palak khichidi..... i lost one more KG!! and now here i am like "ya my bday so what!!" .... i just want to get thru this day .... bcoz its reminding me of the person that i was and i want that to come back ....but after years of doing things bcoz i felt it was right and i was obliged to...and now some newer rules of social behaviour... i think i am finally morphing into one of those mediocre, mundane people who just exist.....

sometimes i feel like i should just stop pretending and shout out what i feel...... i dont want to do this...i WANT to do this.... just shut up...leave me alone....i dont care ... leave me alone..... and you know what makes me really sad...i dont have a reason to feel bad.... i have been lucky i have been blessed with some great things in life ..... so basically it means i have become one of those self pitying fools who go about thinking that the world should revolve around them.....

so anyways i turn a year older... and i have stopped caring !!!

blob of clay

the blob of clay
i dont know when was born
or where i came from
but i remember the happy days
when i could run through the water
bobbing up and down
kids used to play with me
i was alive
and changing every day
one day i was a cat
the next day i was a house
but i was me in everything
and one day
a stranger came
and picked me up
he said he was gonna shape me
and he did
he moulded me
i screamed in pain
but to no avail
my body contorted
into an unnatural position
baked in the oven
now i am me no more
i am a sculpture
in a display
art but lifeless...

a funeral

something inside me died today...
i dont know what it is
but i know its gone
tears spill over
at the burial
without a name
am surrounded by my regrets
if only...
i smile
pretence
for life goes on
and i play along...
as the body stands
the spirit is buried....

reality bites....

ensnared by the pinks...
the colours and the fluff
cocooned in dreams
a young girl such as i
walking on clouds
heart full and more...
then reality bites
and its a mighty fall
the clouds have gone
and so have the colours
its just me
alone and faltering
trapped within this body
i curse myself
wanting to flee
i wish and wonder
what could have been
i fight against the questions
but there is no answer
no echo
just silence
tired and broken
i accept
i fall to the grounds
my tears seeping down...
so be it...

the joker

I fall again on the ropes
each gasp is fire
each step painful
tears blind me
but i am not gonna play dead
i will fight on...
another fight another battle
you didnt think i would come
come till here
well here i am still standing
hit me you loser
hit me for those who bet on you
the crowd might cheer you on
another fight another battle
but i will not make it easy
you cannot break me
i weave i falter but i am alive
i will fight for those
who made me the joker
i am not the pawn
i will fight for those
who doubted me
who bet against me
another round another battle....
the fight is not over
hit me...

how do i write a title for this...

how do i stop myself from hurting
how do i not wonder
is this meant to be
is this how its going to be
can i ever feel anything ... ever feel complete
will i ever get the love that i need
will i ever love
maybe i am just hollow inside
maybe this is all i will ever feel
alone and trapped within me
confused and lost
am just walking along
hoping that i meet my destination
knowing that only the cliff end is there..

How do i tell me...

Once upon a time...
my pen spoke for others
their sorrows, fears and joy...
i shared them and felt them...
and now here i am
a blank page
swirling colours within
struggling to come out
i close my eyes
and wonder why
where their were straight lines
now just questions
cant even tell my story
dont even know the script
the show is on
the lines are spoken
but there is no logic
and here i am standing on the stage
looking at me
how do i stop my self
i can see me smile laugh and dream
how do i tell me not to dream
for i am born from their shattered remains
how do i tell me....